anger management

I'm generally considered to be a pretty easygoing guy -- one who can tolerate a fairly high threshold of provocation. I'm usually content to watch silently as others fulminate; I try to adopt a neutral face. This has proved invaluable in New York City, where merely to react can be considered incitement.

When mildly annoyed I usually resort to withering sarcasm. If I'm lucky I think of the witty comeback while it's still timely. The phrase l'esprit de l'escalier has a particular resonance with me. Fortunately it's usually lost on my audience, but it satisfies a need to lash out.

Now and then I simply lapse into petty childishness, somewhere short of stomping my foot.

Yet true to my Scorpio nature (according to those who take stock in astrology), I can be quick to anger: At a certain point I tend to explode. Think of the stinger in the scorpion's tail. Fortunately the risk is mostly to me and to the inanimate world that surrounds me. 'Twas ever thus. I have this hazy recollection of throwing tantrums at the drop of a hat as a youngster. My brothers don't miss a chance to remind me of this, too.  Afterward I can normally credit it to frustration or humiliation, or sometimes to facing an irrational situation. (Ask me sometime about the "Bring Me The Toilet!" story.)

So it's hardly surprising that I ended up with a ugly-looking bruised knuckle this week. The provocation, predictably stupid, was a frustrating sequence of computer snags and program failures that would make most people throw up their hands. And that's exactly what I should have done, rather than rap my knuckles on the cover of a perfectly innocent hardcover book. I'm pleased to report the book is unharmed. Me, not so much.

Disturbing as it must be for those witnessing these infrequent outbursts, it's hard to equate them with more serious and chronic emotional problems. They are neither dangerous nor incapacitating. It certainly points up a profound personal shortcoming. To my credit, over time I have learned better to anticipate the frustrating, or humiliating, or simply irrational well ahead of that self-injurious breaking point, and in doing so steer the situation elsewhere. This is particularly worthwhile as I become slower to heal.
 

Comments

[Kathryn Deiss]

You are, as usual, so self-aware, Ross, and sometimes you are very hard on yourself (and I don't mean a pun here!). Frankly the people who really worry me in life are those who simply don't recognize that they are angry or the impact that anger has on them or on others.
Sometimes the trigger, as for you this time I presume, is something that should NOT happen in the first place. We just experienced something akin: in installing a "backup" program for my smart phone the backup program actually WIPED out my calendar and contacts! Without asking mind you! This definitely falls in the anger producing category!
But I am never one to encourage or condone self-punishment due to the stupidity of others - so take care of your knuckle there!
One of my very early mentors once shared with me her anger-reducing technique for dealing with "problem" people at the service desk. She called it "drop the pencil." If you felt the steam rising she would say "drop your pencil" and on the way down to pick it up you were to gather your wits and take a deep breath - pulling yourself together in order to deal with the person in front of you. It always worked for me - but what to do with software companies????!!!! AAAAARGH!

[Ross]

It's hard to know what's the proper tone to strike. I'd hate to be pompously serious or dismiss it out of hand (and that's my trade pun back at ya). But I try to lean toward the latter.

You're quite right, those who swan through life without a shred of self-awareness are not only pitiable but frequently a little scary. I tend to be a little dismissive of them, all the while wondering what it would be like to be happily oblivious: it has its attractions, I admit. And self-awareness can easily become self-absorption with a little practice.

Gosh, now that you mention it, the stupidity of others seldom triggers these outbursts. That *would* be worrisome! I think it's almost always a case of a inescapable circumstances or helplessness.

I think I've adopted the 'drop your pencil' technique myself on many occasions, in concept if not in practice. It's amazing what waiting only a few seconds can accomplish to equilibrate.